Your perfect man

Your perfect man
by: Aly Walansky

I am a single girl – never married, and thus never divorced, and even still, when I paged through Ginger Emas’s Back on Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce (Globe Pequot Press, May 2009), I couldn’t help but laugh out loud and be inspired all at the same time.

One of the major instructions of this book is creating a “man file”. Even before discovering what one was, I wanted one… and I went right to the source.

“I recommend that every woman – single or divorced – create a man file. A man file has two parts: A list of non-negotiables and a list of must-haves,” Ginger shared.

As our chat went on, I learned that non-negotiables are those things that you absolutely will not put up with in a man, such as violence, cheating, lying, abuse, financial irresponsibility. On the other hand, must-haves are the things a guy must have in order to be in a relationship with you.

Ginger says she interviewed dozens of women and what typically tops the must-have list is sense of humor and intelligence, followed by chemistry (some women put this first!), kindness and a steady income. Your man file can also have “nice-to-haves” – things like enjoys kids, went to college, lives a healthy lifestyle — these may not be must-haves or non-negotiables, they’re more like extra credit.

Obviously, everyone’s man file will be different. While mine may include creative and edgy, yours may include good cook and pet-lover.

Why is something like this so important for all of us single girls out there? Quite simply, a man file is more than what kind of guy you want; it’s about who you are now. It gives you the unique opportunity to take the time to consider the kind of partner you want — not whom your friends or parents or children think you should be with.

“We are different now; we change after we’re married and divorced; we should honor that. For example, the first time around, being with someone who was of the same faith was important to me. Today, that’s not even on my nice-to-have!” Ginger says. “I’m raising my son Jewish regardless of who I’m with; I participate in my spirituality whether I’m alone or dating someone. I totally expanded my horizons and dated a lot of diverse people by considering what was truly important to me – and what no longer mattered.”

Our lists can sometimes be too exclusive – put a line through whatever is “old talk” and open up to the possibilities, as long as you don’t compromise on those things that truly matter to you.

Ginger offers some final words of caution: Be careful what you wish for! “I wrote down that I wanted someone who was self-sufficient – you’d be surprised (or maybe not) by how many women date men who need “saving” – and we choose them over and over again. But when I started dating my current boyfriend, I had no idea how to love someone who was as capable as I am – and sweeter, too! I’m telling you honestly, it took a while for me to figure it out and open up my heart!”

Well said! So, I ask, what would be in YOUR man file?

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php

10 Traits He Wants in a Girlfriend

10 Traits He Wants in a Girlfriend
by Jessica Padykula

According to Gloria MacDonald, founder of Perfect Partners, a personalized matchmaking service, men are subconsciously looking for three things: Beauty, health and youth. Yes, it sounds superficial and, it is. But MacDonald stresses that they just can’t help it. They’re wired this way. “The more you can do to look beautiful, healthy and youthful, the better your chances are,” she says.

So where does that leave us? Well, even if you aren’t giving Angelina or Cameron a run for their money in the perfect ten department, there are ways to boost your dateability and give him what he’s looking for.

1. Dress for your body type
Just because it looks good in the magazine or in the shop window, doesn’t mean it will suit you and your body. Whether you have a tiny waist and large hips, long torso and short legs or tend to be a bit round all over, there are things you should wear – and things you shouldn’t. The trick here is to go shopping with someone objective, someone who will be honest about what looks good on you. If all else fails, invest in a session with a personal shopper. They will save you from many fashion missteps and teach you what works best for your body type.

2. Highlight your best features (and downplay the less favorable ones)
Make-up isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dabble. There are simple ways to shine the spotlight on your best features and minimize the ones you don’t want him to focus on. Head to your local department store and ask them for a makeover. Yes, they will encourage you to buy things, but at the end of it, you’ll know how to show off your high cheekbones, while making the dark circles under your eyes disappear.

3. Take care of your skin
Many of us are not born with flawless skin. But even if dewy and glowing aren’t what stare back at your in the mirror, do what you can with what you have. Wash the make-up off before you hit the pillow, moisturize, wear sunscreen (always), and splurge on a session with an aesthetician so you can learn what products best suit your skin type.

4. Embrace the gym
Whether you’re trying to lose that last ten pounds or you just like that post-workout glow you get after your kickbox class, exercise is your friend, especially if you want to find – and keep a guy. It will keep you in shape, boost your confidence, tone you up in all the right places and just make you feel good.

5. Think positive
If you have a positive attitude, you have a better chance of attracting a date. “What goes on in your head is one of the most important things that can make you more dateable,” MacDonald says. The more positive you feel, the happier you will be and the more pleasant you’ll be to spend time with.

6. Know how to flirt
Flirting is all about creating a rapport and making a connection with someone, ideally, someone whom you’d like to get to know better. Not comfortable flirting? Practice wherever you go — the more you do it, the easier it will become.

7. Be a good listener
No one wants to date someone who makes them feel boring. You don’t have to jump up and down every time he opens his mouth, but pay attention to when he talks. “Be sincerely and genuinely interested in what the other person is saying,” explains MacDonald.

8. Have a hobby and interests
In order to have something to talk about and an identity outside that of your potential significant other, you need a life of your own. This could be a book club, pottery class or weekend mountain bike races. Regardless of the activity, do something for you, that you enjoy so you aren’t so wrapped up in him that you drive him insane.

9. Be a balanced conversationalist
Some people dominate the conversation, some people stay quiet. Others ask so many questions they make you feel like you’re under investigation by the FBI. Being a good conversationalist means having the right balance of talking, asking and listening.

10. Exude confidence
Obviously, confidence doesn’t grow on trees, and unless you count the liquid variety (i.e. vodka), it doesn’t come in a bottle either. But if you feel good about yourself, you will be more attractive to the opposite sex. The more confident you are, the less desperate you will appear. And we all know that desperation does not usually lead to a full dance card.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php

Open Your Heart To Love

Open Your Heart To Love
by Jennifer Good

Open Your Heart To LoveHow often have you wished you had the ability to not worry about the result of something? The biggest fear in a relationship can often be the fear of rejection or the fear of a bad experience. Quite often you'll find people, maybe even yourself, who are so afraid of these things that they are not willing to experience the joy of a true relationship. This is quite understandable, especially if you've had a previous bad experience. The real problem comes when it's time for you to start enjoying something, and you're still held back by your fear. What do you do and how can you overcome this?

A good starting point is remembering this motto, "Nothing in life worth having, or keeping, is going to be effortless or painless." If you're going to be involved with someone, this can also include a friendship, you need to make a commitment to them that you're willing to give it your all. Although, the relationship could end in heartbreak, it is far better to know you gave and loved with everything, than to know deep down you held back your emotions.

If you find that opening yourself to love and/or relationships is difficult for you (or possibly a friend), try one of the following ideas and tips.

Don't Think, Just Do
Obviously, this doesn't mean to lose your better judgment... just the opposite. If you're the type of person that over-evaluates everything... stop. Allow yourself to "go with the flow" instead of worrying about what the outcome will be. Remember, there is valuable information in the saying, "Whatever will be, will be."

Allow Experiences
How many times have you declined to do something, or not pursued something (or someone) because you were worried about an unpleasant experience? Take the risk next time and allow yourself to experience things. You may find the risk was worth it!

Be Open And Honest
Many times you'll find someone who is worried about something, but has never even spoken with the other partner about it. It's very difficult to maintain a relationship if you don't let your partner know how you feel about something or any concerns you may have. Sharing your thoughts will not only help alleviate your fears, but it will also begin the start of a solid relationship.

Do Unto Others
If you're insecure about something, there's a high chance that it could quite possibly be caused by something similar you've done in the past. Keep pesky, guilty feelings at bay by following the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Not only will you feel better about yourself, you'll also find it easier to be open when you've got nothing to hide!

Remember, there is a certain amount of risk in everything you do. Allowing yourself the freedom to experience love, with all its uncertainties, is more valuable than any investment or money in the world.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php

Low Self-Esteem

Low Self-Esteem
Bob Narindra

One of the most problematic areas of a relationship is low self-esteem and its effects can be devastating. This is a problem that affects most people at some stage in their life but if it is not dealt with, it can destroy a relationship or at least make it impossible to get involved in one. The problem with low self-esteem is that it does not just affect the person who is insecure. It also affects anyone they are in contact with, be it family, friends or co-workers. If you or someone you know suffers from low self esteem, this article looks at a few of the possible causes of the problem and gives a few helpful solutions.

Causes of Low Self-Esteem

Past Failures
The effects of failure can be very harsh to deal with, especially when accompanied by "I told you so's." Once you have tried and failed at something, your confidence takes a jolt and you are weary of trying new things in the future.

Wrong Doings
Committing harmful acts against others is a major cause of low self-esteem. How can you feel good about yourself when you continually do things to hurt other people?

Invalidation
Invalidation from other people can be devastating, especially if it comes from an authority figure or someone you look up to. Usually the person makes a few remarks or comments that hurt so much that they cause a change in how you view yourself. This can happen at any time in a person's life and in any area.

Let's say, for example, that you are feeling good about your body and enjoying life until, one day, you overhear someone say that you are gaining weight. From that moment on, you start to think twice before eating something, or drinking something. You wonder if they are right, so you go check yourself in a mirror or on a scale. You start listening to what other people are saying and wonder if they, too, are talking about you. You start trying to control what you eat and then scold yourself when you slip up. You see what has happened? You end up in a dwindling spiral of self-invalidation!

Solutions to Low Self-Esteem

If You Have Low Self-Esteem

1. The first thing to do is to handle your immediate environment.
Usually you will find that you have neglected your friends, your body and your environment. Clean up your apartment, do the laundry, dishes or anything else you have neglected. Get done anything you have been "meaning to do." This also includes making sure you get enough sleep and eat properly etc.

2. Get Re-acquainted
Catch up on some friends that you have neglected and/or re-acquaint yourself with your sweetheart. If you do have a partner, use some of the romantic ideas on this site. This step will really help you to understand that you do have people around you that care about you.

3. Get some exercise
One of the best ways to accomplish this is to make sure you take a walk every day. While walking, try to just look at the environment around you and not worry or think about things.

4. Start writing a journal
Keeping a journal can be invaluable therapy. Everyday sit down in a quiet place and just write whatever comes to mind. It is almost like downloading every thought you have into your journal. Once you have downloaded them, you will find that there is no need to continually think about them and will start to feel better. After a few days you will also start to see some patterns emerging that have affected your life so far.

After a while of doing this, you will feel a lot better about yourself and you should start to realize what caused your feelings of low self-esteem in the first place. Solutions will start to present themselves and your new outlook on life will bring with it new opportunities to further improve your environment.

If Your Partner Has Low Self-Esteem
If your partner is suffering from low self-esteem, then your job is to re-assure them. There is very little that cannot be cured by love, understanding and just being there for them. You should also be careful not to judge them or invalidate them for feeling the way they do. Bring back the romance in your relationship, show them how you feel about them and re-assure them that you love them no matter what. You should also softly encourage them to do the above steps. One of the best ways to do this is to do them for yourself and encourage your partner to help you or do them also.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php