Are You Dateable?

Are You Dateable?
by Jennifer Good

So often when there is something we decide we want, we spend all of our focus and energy on the flow of getting it. Unfortunately, what we don't realize is that with an attentive eye focused on ourselves we will find the answer to our quest. If you've ever wondered why you may be finding it difficult to find your perfect match, it may be time to analyze what it is you are offering. The following questions are aimed at helping you discover your dateability.

Are you happy?
People pick up on unconscious thoughts. If you're not happy, it is pretty safe to say you are permeating the air with your negativity. Find out what would really make you happy, and do it! Positive people are people magnets. Find yourself and you may also find the other half you are looking for.

Do you say "my ex" more than 5 times a day?
What's done is done. If you want a potential partner to remain interested, don't give off signs that you're still emotionally committed. Allow yourself the freedom to be free. Sometimes it is easier to cling to the past than to face what is right in front of you. Don't let thoughts of an ex hold you back from enjoying your future.

Are you financially stable?
While this is not an end-all criterion, it does reflect how independent, stable or ambitious you are. If you're not in a comfortable financial place now, make a change. Do some research on getting out of debt, or ways to increase your monetary flow. You'll feel happier, and be a better catch, even if all you have is a plan of action that you are carrying out.

Do you have future goals, dreams or desires?
A dream is an aspiration for something greater than you have now. It could mean improving yourself, visiting a foreign land, or even owning a rare collector's piece. Whatever your dreams and goals are to you, it is important to have them, and have plans to achieve them. A person who is trying to achieve a goal or dream is showing that they are willing to grow as a person. It can also show your ability to make something happen for yourself and possibly for a potential partner.

What are you doing for you?
If you aren't engaged in any hobbies, self-improvement or other interests you may be giving signals that you will be overly dependent on a potential partner. Furthermore, having independent interests will help you keep your personal identity in a relationship, which at times can feel like a thing of the past.

Do you know what went wrong in your past relationship(s)?
The first step to overcoming a problem is to realize there is one. If you haven't already, take an objective look at your past relationships and find out how you contributed to their demise.

Do you know what you want in a new partner?
If you haven't taken the time to narrow this down, this could very likely be the reason you are without. When creating your list, be sure to include things you do not want as well. Mark off which things are red flags and which things you can live with. If you find an interest entering a red flag zone, do yourself a favor and look for someone else.

More questions to consider...
Do you feel you may be too insecure?
Are you focusing on the past more than you are focusing on the here and now or the future?
Do you feel you may be overly critical or negative towards other people or life?
Would you date you?

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php

Who Is Your Ideal Partner?

Who Is Your Ideal Partner?
by Jennifer Good

Who Is Your Ideal Partner?In the dating world, it seems that everyone expects the love of their life to fall from a tree and knock them dizzy with bliss. The facts of the matter are hardly as hit-and-miss as our secret desires would like them to be. When someone has a spell of good luck, it’s rarely because of some undeserved, haphazard gift bestowed upon them. If you look back to the period prior to any favorable happenings, you’ll discover a lot of hard work and planning were most likely involved. There is truth in the belief that the effort you put into something will be equal to the result you receive. Where people usually go wrong with this formula is extending the wrong type of effort. The same is true for finding a life mate.

If you don’t discern what you want or expect from your life, you’re never going to get it. You wouldn’t expect a business person to start a new business without researching the field and discovering if it’s a suitable fit. Yet, people consistently dive into the dating pool without first making sure of what they want. The fact that someone shows a bit of interest does not mean they are a suitable match for you. In the end, it isn’t just strong affection or love that makes a relationship work. It’s how compatible you are and how you deal with the little day-to-day things that count. The only way to truly discover what you need from a relationship is to actually plan and research exactly what you want.

When you are ready to seriously begin your quest for finding your life mate, use the following steps to help you get started.

Step 1: Do Your Research No great plan or endeavor can really get off the ground without research. Applying this to your love life may seem strange, but it really only takes a new perspective to get things going. First, analyze your past relationships. What traits or qualities did you really like about your previous partners? Write them down. Then take a look at what aspects of their personalities or your relationship that you disliked. Write those down as well.

You’ll probably get a fairly clear idea of your ideal mate at this point. However, don’t just stop with looking into the past. You’ll get an even more complete picture if you take a look at the people around you who have influenced your overall concept of the ideal relationship. Your parents or other family members' relationships will affect your opinions greatly. Do the same comparison of likes and dislikes for them. If there are other friends or role models, be sure to analyze those as well.

Step 2: Understand Your Desires
Truly knowing yourself allows you to understand all of your strengths and weaknesses. Once you’re comfortable with what those are, you can find ways to make them work for you. For instance, if you’d rather eat dirt than clean, you know you’ll always need a housekeeper. You also have some more insight on what traits your perfect partner needs to have, in this case a high tolerance for sloppiness. For some of you, the weakness may be an insecurity issue. In this case, while eventually you may get over it, you probably don’t want to get involved with a social butterfly. You’re going to be a lot happier with someone who is a little more reserved in public. Some traits or qualities wouldn’t be considered deal breakers, while others are must haves. Each person is different, so these qualifiers will be unique to each individual. Your job is to figure out the must-have characteristics of your ideal partner.

First, define what you want and need. You did most of this in step one. Now it’s time to expand on your discoveries and get a complete picture of your ideal relationship. Make sure to include small snippets of things you’ve always envisioned doing. For instance, do you imagine someone who enjoys cuddling on the couch while watching scary movies with the snow falling outside? Whatever it is, make sure to write it down so you can refer back to it and make changes as necessary.

Next, you need to determine what certain terminology actually means to you. You won’t be able to express what you expect from a partner if you don’t even know what it is yourself. Take a while and really figure out what exactly does love mean to you. What is your idea of "romance"? What are your views regarding sex? What does marriage mean to you? What about commitment?

Now it’s time to look at what specific requirements you’d like your potential life partner to have. How important is education? What about their level of independence or financial stability? What stage in their career should they be at? What about religious beliefs? Is having a different romantic style a deal breaker?

By knowing ahead of time exactly what it is you're looking for, you'll be able to tell early in a relationship if the person you are with matches your criteria. This will allow you to end bad relationships before anything progresses too far. In addition, you’ll be able to move ahead with more confidence when you do find that particular someone who meets your expectations.

Step 3: Put Your Discoveries into Practice
So, you now know what you want, but how do you go about actually getting it? Since there are shelves of books dedicated to this pursuit, I’m just going to give you a few pointers to steer you in the right direction.

The first tip should be fairly obvious, but it’s amazing how often it’s over-looked. You’ve just dedicated all this time to figuring out what makes you tick, so it’s time to use it to your advantage. If you’re looking for someone to date, don’t go to a place you’re not likely to meet anyone with those qualifications. Try to find the best possible places where the odds of meeting someone with your particular interests are higher. If you love to cook, join some cooking classes. If you love to read, join a book club. If you love dancing, take some dance lessons. A little research into what your city offers could pay off quite nicely. When you talk with someone you are interested in, try bringing up the hobbies and interests you enjoy. Get a gauge early on as to whether you actually have things in common. This is also a great conversational segue to asking for an actual date.

When you go on your dates, do things that reflect how you want your marriage or long-term relationship to be. For instance, if you enjoy shopping, take your date on a few trips to the mall. If you love the outdoors, let your dates reflect that. Not only will you be finding out if you both enjoy the same things, you’ll also be giving your potential partner a better glimpse at who you really are. Even if things don’t work out romantically, if you discover you share common interests, you’ve at least gained a friendship.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php

Your perfect man

Your perfect man
by: Aly Walansky

I am a single girl – never married, and thus never divorced, and even still, when I paged through Ginger Emas’s Back on Top: Fearless Dating After Divorce (Globe Pequot Press, May 2009), I couldn’t help but laugh out loud and be inspired all at the same time.

One of the major instructions of this book is creating a “man file”. Even before discovering what one was, I wanted one… and I went right to the source.

“I recommend that every woman – single or divorced – create a man file. A man file has two parts: A list of non-negotiables and a list of must-haves,” Ginger shared.

As our chat went on, I learned that non-negotiables are those things that you absolutely will not put up with in a man, such as violence, cheating, lying, abuse, financial irresponsibility. On the other hand, must-haves are the things a guy must have in order to be in a relationship with you.

Ginger says she interviewed dozens of women and what typically tops the must-have list is sense of humor and intelligence, followed by chemistry (some women put this first!), kindness and a steady income. Your man file can also have “nice-to-haves” – things like enjoys kids, went to college, lives a healthy lifestyle — these may not be must-haves or non-negotiables, they’re more like extra credit.

Obviously, everyone’s man file will be different. While mine may include creative and edgy, yours may include good cook and pet-lover.

Why is something like this so important for all of us single girls out there? Quite simply, a man file is more than what kind of guy you want; it’s about who you are now. It gives you the unique opportunity to take the time to consider the kind of partner you want — not whom your friends or parents or children think you should be with.

“We are different now; we change after we’re married and divorced; we should honor that. For example, the first time around, being with someone who was of the same faith was important to me. Today, that’s not even on my nice-to-have!” Ginger says. “I’m raising my son Jewish regardless of who I’m with; I participate in my spirituality whether I’m alone or dating someone. I totally expanded my horizons and dated a lot of diverse people by considering what was truly important to me – and what no longer mattered.”

Our lists can sometimes be too exclusive – put a line through whatever is “old talk” and open up to the possibilities, as long as you don’t compromise on those things that truly matter to you.

Ginger offers some final words of caution: Be careful what you wish for! “I wrote down that I wanted someone who was self-sufficient – you’d be surprised (or maybe not) by how many women date men who need “saving” – and we choose them over and over again. But when I started dating my current boyfriend, I had no idea how to love someone who was as capable as I am – and sweeter, too! I’m telling you honestly, it took a while for me to figure it out and open up my heart!”

Well said! So, I ask, what would be in YOUR man file?

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php

10 Traits He Wants in a Girlfriend

10 Traits He Wants in a Girlfriend
by Jessica Padykula

According to Gloria MacDonald, founder of Perfect Partners, a personalized matchmaking service, men are subconsciously looking for three things: Beauty, health and youth. Yes, it sounds superficial and, it is. But MacDonald stresses that they just can’t help it. They’re wired this way. “The more you can do to look beautiful, healthy and youthful, the better your chances are,” she says.

So where does that leave us? Well, even if you aren’t giving Angelina or Cameron a run for their money in the perfect ten department, there are ways to boost your dateability and give him what he’s looking for.

1. Dress for your body type
Just because it looks good in the magazine or in the shop window, doesn’t mean it will suit you and your body. Whether you have a tiny waist and large hips, long torso and short legs or tend to be a bit round all over, there are things you should wear – and things you shouldn’t. The trick here is to go shopping with someone objective, someone who will be honest about what looks good on you. If all else fails, invest in a session with a personal shopper. They will save you from many fashion missteps and teach you what works best for your body type.

2. Highlight your best features (and downplay the less favorable ones)
Make-up isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dabble. There are simple ways to shine the spotlight on your best features and minimize the ones you don’t want him to focus on. Head to your local department store and ask them for a makeover. Yes, they will encourage you to buy things, but at the end of it, you’ll know how to show off your high cheekbones, while making the dark circles under your eyes disappear.

3. Take care of your skin
Many of us are not born with flawless skin. But even if dewy and glowing aren’t what stare back at your in the mirror, do what you can with what you have. Wash the make-up off before you hit the pillow, moisturize, wear sunscreen (always), and splurge on a session with an aesthetician so you can learn what products best suit your skin type.

4. Embrace the gym
Whether you’re trying to lose that last ten pounds or you just like that post-workout glow you get after your kickbox class, exercise is your friend, especially if you want to find – and keep a guy. It will keep you in shape, boost your confidence, tone you up in all the right places and just make you feel good.

5. Think positive
If you have a positive attitude, you have a better chance of attracting a date. “What goes on in your head is one of the most important things that can make you more dateable,” MacDonald says. The more positive you feel, the happier you will be and the more pleasant you’ll be to spend time with.

6. Know how to flirt
Flirting is all about creating a rapport and making a connection with someone, ideally, someone whom you’d like to get to know better. Not comfortable flirting? Practice wherever you go — the more you do it, the easier it will become.

7. Be a good listener
No one wants to date someone who makes them feel boring. You don’t have to jump up and down every time he opens his mouth, but pay attention to when he talks. “Be sincerely and genuinely interested in what the other person is saying,” explains MacDonald.

8. Have a hobby and interests
In order to have something to talk about and an identity outside that of your potential significant other, you need a life of your own. This could be a book club, pottery class or weekend mountain bike races. Regardless of the activity, do something for you, that you enjoy so you aren’t so wrapped up in him that you drive him insane.

9. Be a balanced conversationalist
Some people dominate the conversation, some people stay quiet. Others ask so many questions they make you feel like you’re under investigation by the FBI. Being a good conversationalist means having the right balance of talking, asking and listening.

10. Exude confidence
Obviously, confidence doesn’t grow on trees, and unless you count the liquid variety (i.e. vodka), it doesn’t come in a bottle either. But if you feel good about yourself, you will be more attractive to the opposite sex. The more confident you are, the less desperate you will appear. And we all know that desperation does not usually lead to a full dance card.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/dating.php